I have never been poetic. In the moment of what I think is inspiration I attempt to write something out and it just flops. Or I read it the next day and just gag because it is so bad. Taryn laughs at me when she sees me start blogging because I focus so much…and it takes me forever to get a post up. I’m a verbal processor but also a semi-perfectionist AND I’m surrounded by 3 sisters who can write well. They all blog and will write books one day. I will write…scientific articles. I love journaling through my thoughts because I have had so many revelations once I finally start writing the ideas out that have been circling in my head all day. Up until this point, I basically let music do my talking.
I love music. However, like coffee, I had always just taken in whatever and not really thought about the consequences. I’m realizing at this moment this weird double-standard I had going. At the beginning of Eric’s and my friendship he would always challenge the choices I made that he considered worldly…for the most part this was because he wanted to check my heart and see if I actually realized how detrimental my actions were to my soul. This happened frequently with music. I’d listen to anything and everything. And see here’s the weird part: I would tell him that I was fine with rap/hip-hop because I just like the beat and didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics…but then when it was any other genre I would say how awesome the lyrics were. I always paid attention to the words. I was/still am quite proud of myself when I know all the words [big area of pride in my life that probably has much deeper roots I should explore at a later time]. I have journal pages filled with lyrics where I was writing and listening to music at the same time and EVERY song spoke to me. I often feel like my life could be captioned by lyrics.
I slowly began to realize over the past 9 months how much what I am listening to throughout the day affects me. For instance, on my drive home from my soccer game tonight I decided to blare my ipod because normally I am in Eric’s car and his radio doesn’t work. I put on one of my favorite Yellowcard songs called Martin Sheen/JFK and I have always really enjoyed the bridge:
I could sleep
But when I wake here
You’d still be gone
And you’re my air
I could breathe
If you would stay here
For another song
So I could stare
This about brought me to tears tonight. I used to call Eric “bucky” and he hated it. It was just a habitual name I called people when I was being sarcastic or something and one day he asked if he could have a name that was just for him. I’ve been coming up with more while he has been gone. One of them in Aire (I personally think nicknames sound so much better NOT in English). We don’t need air to live. We need oxygen. An analogy I have in my head is that the Lord is my oxygen. I cannot live without Him and can survive on Him and Him alone. He permeates every tissue, every cell, and gives me the energy to fight another breath longer til He fills me up again. Eric is my air. He brings flavor to my life. I can live without him because he is only the substance that surrounds the essential compound. These lyrics were beginning to drive me into a dark place where my thoughts encircle the concept that I cannot make it another 3.5 weeks without Eric. <<Yea, see?! You can’t breathe without him…>> But that’s a lie! It is not air that we need to breathe. It is Oxygen. [Trust me, I’m a biochemist, I know these things] My Oxygen never leaves.
As a Christian, I am finally learning what it means to live outside the world. I can’t let everything permeate my skin. If I don’t separate myself and allow the Words of the Lord to be what dictates truth, I will be polluted and therefore ineffective at bringing my Savior glory. It’s only when I am filled with the Spirit that I can be in the world and love those around me the way Christ commanded.
I will leave you with some Mumford and Sons deliciousness:
“You must know life to see decay”
–After the Storm
Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. And it is only through Him that we can truly see the decay of the world around us.